Does It Really Take Two to Tango? How One Person Can Change a Relationship

Many people in unhappy relationships complain, “I want to work on our relationship, but my partner is so resistant!” They’ve brought up relationship issues with their partner and been met with disinterest, or suggested attending couples therapy together and gotten an outright refusal.  Their partner may have shot back, “I don’t need therapy.  Our relationship problems are your fault, so why don’t you get help instead of always complaining to me!”

Facing this kind of frustrating resistance, many people assume that their relationship is hopeless. But thankfully this hopelessness is generally unwarranted – one person can usually improve a relationship on their own, even if their partner shows no interest in joining them in this effort. This may seem like a bold and unusual claim.  After all, haven’t we all heard that it “takes two to tango”?

A dance is actually a great metaphor for couples’ relationships, as each partner’s moves are a response to the moves their partner is making.  If one partner changes from dancing tango to salsa, their partner has to change their moves as well or risk looking rather foolish.

It’s the same with relationship arguments. Each person’s communication style impacts the responses that they get in return:

Poorly communicated grievances – high on blame and low on empathy – usually lead to nobody feeling heard. Through defensive responses or angry counterattacks, both partners add fuel to the fire. Focused mainly on expressing their own pain, they don’t acknowledge their partner’s perspective. And because each person correctly senses that their partner isn’t really listening, each person’s sense of hurt and anger at their partner steadily increases. The problem isn’t resolved – the argument either blows up or one partner may become uncommunicative and withdrawn. Issues get swept under the rug, and the argument inevitably reemerges – becoming a repetitive inferno that partners unwillingly get drawn into.

Skillfully communicated grievances, however, can often lead to increased understanding and closeness. Imagine what would happen if as an argument started to blaze, either partner temporarily set aside their overwhelming desire to make their point, and instead listened and responded to their partner’s grievances with genuine interest, respect, and concern? Wouldn’t such an unexpected response throw cold water rather than fuel onto the argument? In this situation, one’s partner is unable to keep lobbing fiery accusations without looking and feeling like a jerk. The dance has changed, and they’ll need to change their moves in turn. And without the fireworks, the problems at hand can be calmly discussed, yielding a more positive outcome.

Unfortunately changing one’s communication style during arguments is not easy, and often requires the use of specific strategies best taught in therapy.  But the good news is that once you learn these skills, they can improve your relationship – even if your partner shows no interest in learning these strategies with you.  While it’s easier if both partners attend therapy and learn these techniques together, it’s by no means necessary. It actually only takes one to tango.

Either with or without your partner, I’d be happy to teach you skills to more skillfully navigate your relationship. In this way, arguments become less hurtful, less frequent, and instead become opportunities for increased understanding and closeness.